Transgender member booted from Las Cruces organization after requesting they/them pronouns

LAS CRUCES - "I identify as a disabled queer trans writer and artist, if you had to put it all in one sentence," Michel Wing said in an interview at their home office this week.

Their first name is pronounced "mikhail" and they use the gender-neutral pronouns "they" and "them" to describe themself. With hair cropped close to their scalp, Wing spoke earnestly, occasionally flashing a toothy smile with a twinkle behind thick eyeglasses.

Wing's personal documents illustrate how norms are gradually changing in the way language and bureaucracy address gender identity. Wing and their wife are both identified as women on their marriage certificate, but Wing's birth certificate identifies them as nonbinary. Their U.S. passport, on the other hand, does not.

While filling out their membership form to join the Las Cruces chapter of service organization Civitan International this past spring, Wing didn't think much of it when asked to select their gender identity.

Rather than select "M" or "F" on the form, they simply wrote in: "Nonbinary (they/them)."

Weeks later, their membership was canceled via certified letter — but not before they found themselves explaining their gender identity in front of strangers at a public meeting that brought them to tears.

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The Sun-News made multiple attempts to reach local Civitan members, one of whom referred our queries to a regional spokesperson who declined to comment, citing advice from counsel.

Multiple attempts to reach the organization's headquarters in Birmingham, Alabama, to ask about the organization's anti-discrimination and inclusion policies also went unanswered.

(They/them)

Wing moved to Las Cruces with their wife in 2016 and began doing local volunteer work, sometimes exchanging services for transportation or working from home, as they don't drive.

This led to a position through the AmeriCorps VISTA national service program with Beloved Community, a local nonprofit that assists individuals with intellectual and developmental disabilities (IDD).

"Beloved Community believes each one of us is enriched by friendship and association with those both like and unlike us," the organization's mission statement reads. "A rich, fully functional society not only has room for every individual, it requires the participation of each one of us."

Wing began working for Beloved Community from their home last August, setting up online fundraising platforms, improving its website design and boosting its social media presence. The organization's founder, Kay Lilley, said Wing's efforts have been "incredibly important in terms of keeping members connected and engaged."

Wing also assisted the Las Cruces chapter of Civitan International, which supports work on behalf of people with IDD. Civitan conducts clinical research on IDD and cognitive disorders at its $20 million research center in Birmingham.

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For years, Beloved Community received financial support from the local chapter. During COVID-19 public health restrictions, when Civitan did not hold its customary in-person meetings at a local restaurant, Wing helped the club with video conferencing, always appearing on camera with their preferred pronouns — they/them — appearing next to their name. No one ever asked Wing about it.

"It never came up," they said.

The Civitans invited Wing to join their group for $10 in monthly dues, and Wing accepted. In March, they attended their first meeting as a dues-paying member.

'It's easy to slip up'

At that first meeting, Wing said they raised the topic of language, noting that they had overheard one of the Civitans in a casual conversation using a word that is often used as a derogatory term for people with IDD.

"It's easy to slip up," Wing explained in our interview, "but I think that we as an organization should be able to catch each other when it happens and correct it so that there's honesty and integrity in the way that we're having these dialogues — and it will make us all better at it."

At the next meeting, Wing requested the group use they/them pronouns when referring to them.

In response, the group asked Wing to attend a special board meeting that had been included in the day's agenda.

By Wing's account, at the special meeting they were questioned at length by board members about both issues Wing had raised. One reportedly said, "We don't understand what you mean about using pronouns."

That led to a lengthy discussion about language and gender during which Wing tried to explain the issue and its history simply and clearly while fielding personal questions.

"They kept pushing me," Wing recalled. "Not only were they asking me to explain pronouns, they were asking me to explain my gender identity."

'Not a good fit for you'

In 2019, the Pew Research Center found that a majority of Americans had at least some knowledge of gender-neutral pronouns, as more states began expanding options for gender identification on government documents.

There was, however, a distinct generational gap in familiarity with nongendered pronouns: While 73 percent of American adults below age 30 reported knowing at least a little bit about them, and 32 percent knowing someone who uses them, both percentages dwindled sharply among older cohorts.

In the 65-and-older group surveyed, just 46 percent had any familiarity with nonbinary pronoun usage and only 8 percent personally knew anyone who used them.

At Beloved Community meetings, there is a common practice of introducing oneself with preferred pronouns "as a sign of allyship."

More: LGBTQ definitions every good ally should know

But among the Civitans, Wing said, "The atmosphere was very much like, 'This is a weird thing that we can't wrap our heads around and it's just going to be too hard. We don't have the bandwidth for this.'"

One board member reportedly said to them, "This is not going to work." Another hinted that Wing might not fit in with the group. Although one member stood up for Wing and attempted to reason with the others, Wing said, "By the end, I was visibly upset and had tears running down my face."

Lilley said Wing "looked almost sick" the following day as they recounted the incident at a staff meeting.

"I thought they were trying to make me uncomfortable enough that I would quit," Wing said, but they were encouraged to hang in there by that member who had stood up for them.

Then a certified letter, dated April 20, arrived in the mail. Wing pulled it from the envelope and read it out loud to our reporter:

"At a recent special board of directors meeting of the Las Cruces Civitan Club, it was decided that our club is not a good fit for you. We would sincerely enjoy working with you and your organization in the future, but for now we are returning your dues, as we feel it would be in the best interest of all those involved if you found an organization that is geared more towards your convictions."

The letter included a check refunding Wing's $10 in member dues.

In Wing's view, their gender identity is clearly why they were ejected.

In turn, Lilley said Beloved Community will return the group's annual donation and break off its relationship with Civitan.

"You can't discriminate and attack one of our members without that having implications to everybody else," she said.

'They missed an opportunity to learn'

As someone who is gender-nonconforming, Michel Wing recalled several instances over their life involving behaviors ranging from rude to menacing, but described those instances as spontaneous reactions.

What made this incident different, Wing said, was, "there was time to think. It was a group decision. It's an official organization, openly discriminating. … I was flabbergasted. I was hurt. I was angry. I was sad."

After taking some time to reflect, Wing described their experience on social media and requested friends and allies compose messages responding to the Civitans, to be delivered via Lilley.

The aim of publicizing the story was not public shaming but education, both said.

"For me it's about saying 'no more' and setting a precedent," Wing said. "What if some other transgender person is in a similar position at some point … and they get turned down or kicked out because they're transgender?"

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"They missed an opportunity to learn," Lilley said, adding, "The way you get to understand these issues is by coming to know people and listening to them."

Meanwhile, Michel Wing took solace in the messages they have read since making the incident public: "Just reading those letters was so affirming knowing that different people in my life were standing up for me."

Algernon D'Ammassa can be reached at 575-541-5451, adammassa@lcsun-news.com or @AlgernonWrites on Twitter.

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This article originally appeared on Las Cruces Sun-News: Transgender member booted from Las Cruces organization after requesting they/them pronouns

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